Sunset

Convince yourself that you think it's really a sincere apology or you decide to do it because you "can". And when you decide to say something, make sure it feels real rather than a carbon copy.

And then when you do, figure out why did it take you this long. How would you feel if you were in my position and I was in yours. If you thought it was worth mending, you would have fixed it immediately rather than let it fester to this very point.


It is totally coincidental why this post is up at this very moment. So don't think too much over that.
Note to self: tumblr is better.

Regrets.

I don't know you, I don't trust you, I don't believe in you, I don't like you, I don't want to talk to you.

I know you don't trust me, I don't know whether you like me as a friend. You tell me you do, but I've seen you lie through your teeth.

And yet we are still friends.

What a messed up life.

Thanks though, I know where our friendship stands. Or whatever this is.

Epiphany

I know people wouldn't spend their time reading this, but I like to write (even though there has been tons of neglect) here just to jog my memory when I read this back a few days/months/years from now.

I think this week might be the most miserable week for me.

I totally have lost all interest in the games I play.
I lost all interest in the job I do.

I just want to quit. But I can't. And compared to last year, this year seems easier because I know the ropes, but I just can't seem to find motivation these days. Even in games.

Today I went to Altona by train to play badminton. I guess, when I saw the CBD from afar, I think I've failed to realise how blessed I am to be here. It's like I had an out-of-body experience. I used to imagine myself being in other countries (apart from Malaysia) like London, Paris etc. But I'm surprised it took me 7-8 years to realise I'm in Melbourne. Even so, when I remember about how this week has panned out, I've become so uninterested in living. I used to be able to say I would look forward after a day's work to playing computer games at night, but even know I feel like it's a chore. I need a break, but I just can't think of when.

These days, I get so easily annoyed. I have no idea why. It's like none of my friends are safe from being discriminated by me. I can easily fault all of them. Obviously everyone has their faults, but it just seems like whatever fault they have, I just somehow manage to magnify their problems and become even more irritated.

I'm just so lost now.

Leaving

I didn't think I was going to miss KL. It initially didn't feel any different from previous trips. I was badly mistaken.

I think I enjoyed this trip so much more than I would have ever thought. But so much changed. I made some new friends, and re-lived my childhood memories.

Often I would change to shorten my trips, but this time around I delayed it 3 times. I didn't think I had it in me.

Though times were sometimes boring here, I think the fun I had made up for that.

And even though I am quite excited to get back to Melbourne, a huge part of me wished I stayed back. But where would my life be?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Utara - Selatan Hwy,Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia

Finish

Thinking about you is so mentally exhausting. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

And the fact is we will be seeing each other quite often, I think. Do you want to act like total strangers? That's fine by me. I thought if I asked you tonight, things might just go on smoothly, but I think it's turned out for the worst.

How is it that you could forgive someone whom you supposedly hate that much but not me?

Why couldn't you forgive me, when I did forgive you when you did something that really really really hurt me?

It sure as hell didn't take me this long too.

For once, I just want the people who I think are important to me to be in good terms with me. But this isn't happening. I waited long enough for your response and I'm this close to going over the edge.

I hope you the best in your life. I really do. I wished I was a part of it, but the more I think about it, I think it's best I wasn't.

Ready to Start

Sometimes I wonder whether I am too dependent on my "friends".

Time and time again I get burnt. Sometimes I might even side my friends over family.

I think I realised that that isn't a smart idea.

When push comes to shove, you can always rely on family. Always.

Friends, not so much.

Perhaps they'll be there to listen to you, but you don't know what they actually think.

Is it in your best interest? Or yours?

At least with family, they will listen and give you their advice. With no hidden benefits for them.

So now, I declare independence. I should be more independent.

Friends just come and go. I should have known that by now. But somehow it just doesn't stick in my head. Perhaps I like to believe in the best of people. But they just disappoint you. It's almost a given.

Perhaps I overanalyse things, perhaps I put too much trust in people. Way too much. Too bad it just blows in my face.

I think perhaps I might have taken my friends for granted. But I can't help but feel it's not that simple. I sometimes think I'm being taken advantage of too.

I was thinking perhaps I'd do something special for my friends on a certain day this year, but fuck that. I'm not doing anything for anyone. Except myself or my family.

On a side note, on a happier tone:

I think I found a new band to like.

Arcade Fire.

Winner of Album of the Year at the Grammys.

I first heard their song in an advertisement for a TV show called Skins. Then I realised it was nominated for AOTY. So I downloaded the album. Though I didn't think it was that good, it was still better than the others in the field.

On Monday, I was delighted they won. So I decided to go back through their back catalog. Neon Bible and Funeral. Both are awesomely good albums.

Then I gave their latest album The Suburbs a try again, and I finally realised why it deserved to win. I don't think I've ever heard an album this complete.

It's quite a large-band. I think I was surprised how there were also female players in the band. I was even more amused that the band mates often play different instruments. In fact in some songs, there are two drummers. How rad is that?

Kudos Arcade Fire. Hope to hear from you soon. Hope you come to Melbourne.

Notes.

1. It's funny how not speaking to someone for 1 month pretty much wipes them out of your mind.

2. It's been approximately 24 hours since I heard perhaps the most devastating news in 2011, and somehow I'm still numb in shock.

3. I become an Australian citizen on 17th Feb. Edit: Well it was supposed to be 17th, but I postponed it.